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Urban Meyer steps down at Florida due to “Health Issues”

December 26, 2009

If you ask me, the health issues are most likely due to a broken heart from the thought of losing posterchild/secret lover, Tim Tebow.

You heard it here first folks, Urban Meyer has announced that the Sugar Bowl will be his last game as the University of Florida’s head coach.

“I have given my heart and soul to coaching college football and mentoring young men for the last 24-plus years and I have dedicated most of my waking moments the last five years to the Gator football program,” Meyer said in statement. “I have ignored my health for years, but recent developments have forced me to re-evaluate my priorities of faith and family.

“After consulting with my family, Dr. Machen, Jeremy Foley and my doctors, I believe it is in my best interest to step aside and focus on my health and family.”

WOW.

WOOOOOWWWW.

Before I even get to the implications of this situation, I’d just like to point out how amazing the world we live in is. I just made myself a pizza for dinner and sat down in front of the TV to watch The Office. I decided to change the channel and I switched over to the Car Care Bowl between Pitt and UNC. The moment I switched the channel, the announcer began by saying, “now this isn’t entirely confirmed… but we have just received news that Urban Meyer is stepping down from the head coaching position at the University of Florida.” Immediately I tweeted to David Hale at the Bulldogsblog the news. I then texted the other writers here at Behind the Columns, my lady friend, and my brothers. By the time I had even woke my laptop up to get on the internet, I had already received 8 texts from other Georgia fans announcing the news, not to mention reply-texts from everybody that I had texted. I also had just received a tweet from David Hale officially announcing the decision. I finally logged onto the internet and updated my facebook status to the news, and noticed that 16 other people on my news feed had already done so. And now, here I sit, a full 13 minutes after the announcer said the news, writing a full blog on the issue. No offense to David Hale and all other newspaper writers/editors, but when news can break this quickly, who on Earth is going to wait til tomorrow to read the news in a paper?! Nobody under the age of 53, I can guarantee that.

edit —right after finishing that paragraph, the announcers at the bowl game just commented on how everybody in the stadium (not even SEC fans, mind you) all had their cell phones out and were commenting to each other about the news. “It seems,” the announcer said, “that only the players on the field haven’t heard the news.” Man, this is like the president got assassinated or the Pope died…. this news is traveling fast!

Now, onto the implications of this whole ordeal. Let’s look at something:

Florida is losing a ridiculous amount of seniors
Florida is losing the golden boy Tim Tebow
Florida is losing the thug Brandon Spikes
Florida is losing Charlie Strong
and now, Florida is losing Urban Meyer

In the coming weeks, Hale and other bloggers galore will be writing about all of the stats about who exactly Florida is losing. They’ll write about the schemes that whoever the new coach is to be will be bringing to the table. I’m not going to try and do any of that right now. I’m simply getting the news out, and getting the celebration started.

Here’s to dancing in the endzone. Here’s to “bad deals.” Here, my friends, is to the death of the University of Florida.

-Herschel Blogger

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